Spent with my family.
The usual morning of excessive gift-giving, followed by a mini breakdown on my end.
Me, standing in the living room, amidst piles of wrapping paper, tearing up, thinking ‘so much waste, so much shit. What am I going to do with all these useless items? Give them to the homeless, return them….Why do we do this?”
My family and I have different relationships to material items. To them, these items are an expression of love and tools for building a better life. To me, they are burdensome, and things to be managed. So every year on Christmas Day, after all the gifts are open, I get this empty, sad feeling, like “I don’t really even belong here.”
(Next year, I plan to not go home for Xmas or make plans to spend the day at a soup kitchen or some such act.)
Anyway, so after the usual Xmas morning dance, I felt a bit of a longing for Mr. X. I remembered last Christmas, where we had spent the eve and evening chatting on Facetime. I had gone to visit him in Santa Barbara the day after Christmas and we’d had a wonderful day and a half followed by a Mr. X-generated fight over me dropping his luggage containing his computer when he yelled at me for trying to help him. So, the memories were mixed, but I just missed his companionship.
That evening, my fingers got carried away and I sent him a text.
“Merry Christmas, Mr. X!”
And, to my surprise:
“Merry Christmas Chestnut. I saw these online and thought you might enjoy them. http://fyi-by-dani-read.myshopify.com/collections/fall-2012-the-commander/products/binding-brief. They’re for sale at five and diamond in the mission.”
I blush, or maybe I just flush. So Mr. X has been thinking of me too.
“Thanks Mr. X, I like them. Apparently Santa didn’t hear about the sale. Good info, thanks.”
The next evening, my fingers got carried away again. I dialed his number.
“So, what’d you call for, just to talk?”
“Yep. You’re such a smarty, Mr. X. That’s exactly why I like you.”
“Thanks. How’s your Christmas Chestnut?”
“Good,” I tell him a little about my Christmas. “How has your Christmas been Ches Mr. X? Did you go anywhere, do anything, get good gifts?”
“I was here in Santa Barbara, and I drove down to LA for a day to see this girl I met at Burning Man.”
My heart sinks. I say “oh, nice.” I have no claims to this man. I am putting my heart out there at my own risk.
We talk about traveling, flying planes and Christmas gifts, my brother’s tendency to annoy others to get attention.
Mr. X sheds his insight on this topic and I am quite impressed by his ability to understand my brother’s motivation.
“Well, that one’s easy for me to get….A little boy who could never get enough attention? I think I can understand that pretty well.”
“What’d you get for Christmas, Mr. X?”
“Oh, some different stuff, some books on flying.”
“Are you reading them?”
“No, I’ve got some other stuff I’ve got to finish first.”
“Oh, what are you reading right now, Mr. X?”
“I’m actually reading some stuff off of your reading list.”
My jaw does actually drop at this moment. Mr. X has been taking in more of what I said than he ever allowed me to see. “Like what?”
“Do you like them?”
“Yeah, I do. It’s just hard cause I don’t have a partner to practice some of the stuff with and I really want to apply it,” says Mr. X.
“I like the briefs you sent me. I ordered them and they are waiting for me upon my arrival back in SF.”
“Yeah, I almost didn’t send you the link because I didn’t want to send the wrong message, but then I thought, ‘Hey, it’s Christmas.'”
“Right,” I said, “and on Christmas we send our friends pictures of lingerie.”
“Right, exactly,” Mr. X laughs.
Well, the only message Mr. X sent me was that he has been thinking of me, in bed.
He starts to get quiet, and I ask “do you need to go?”
“Actually, yeah, I just got home, and I need to go inside.”
“Okay, nice talking to you, Mr. X. Bye.”
“Bye Chestnut,” he says awkwardly.
So, Mr. X has been thinking of me too. Ah well, there is nothing to do about this. I put my phone away and go to sleep.
Oh, but how I wish I understood what was going on in that man’s head.
A recipe to capture my intent for clarity.
I am a big believer in intuition. I believe that I, or we all, actually, can sense the reality of what is going on at a given moment if we can tune into ourselves. My intuition is telling me that Mr. X still has feelings for me, which is why I texted him in the first place, even though he flat-out denies his feelings.
After this conversation I needed a little more of an intuition boost. Lavender is an herb known to boost intuition. It’s purple color is the same color as our sixth chakra or third eye where our intuition is initiated.
Lavender also helps with insomnia, anxiety, depression and fatigue. Research has confirmed that lavender produces slight calming, soothing, and sedative effects when its scent is inhaled or it is ingested.
Blueberries have been proven to enhance memory and are also known to boost intuition. So, here is a recipe for a delicious, healthy, intuition-boosting smoothie.
Blueberry, Orange & Lavender Smoothie
Makes 5 cups (2-4 servings)
Prep time: 5 minutes
1 cup ice
1 frozen banana, peeled and chopped into chunks
1 can (14.5 ounces) mandarin oranges, drained
1 cup blueberries, fresh or frozen
1/2 cup vanilla Greek yogurt
2 tablespoons honey, or more to taste
1 tablespoon fresh lavender buds, chopped
1/2 cup almond milk
Fresh lavender sprigs, to garnish
- Combine ice, banana, mandarin oranges and blueberries in a blender or food processer. Process until finely chopped.
- Add yogurt, honey and lavender. Blend until smooth.
- Taste; add more honey as needed, and gradually pour in almond milk to thin as desired. Serve immediately, garnished with fresh lavender sprigs.
Make-Ahead Tip: Blend smoothie as directed, omitting the ice. Portion single serving sizes into re-sealable, freezer-safe cups and freeze. Transfer one to the fridge the night before, and it’ll be thawed by morning.